Massage Therapy

The Heritage Institute is a distance-learning and online school for teachers who would like to continue their education. So naturally, they like to advertise their programs during the day when teachers will almost certainly be home doing nothing. The school has been trying to cannibalize itself lately by advertising exciting new career options for teachers so that they can live their dreams. The latest is a tremendous new program in massage therapy. Because who hasn't dreamed of slaving over a table all day rubbing the thighs of whatever specimen got a gift certificate from their secret Santa?


What you think you'll be massaging...



What you'll really be massaging...


Massage therapy is really just a half-step above being a full-time dough kneader. Sure, the dough kneading doesn't pay nearly as well as massage therapy. The dough kneader also doesn't get the pleasure of knowing that they're increasing the wellness of their dough. However, massage therapists don't get to put their subjects into an oven either. Just saying.

Massage parlors have also gotten a pretty bad reputation over the years. This is probably because of the billboards you may have seen in Pennsylvania. It's usually a picture of an aspiring prostitute who hasn't yet broken above the ranks of massage therapist. She's got her elbows up, her armpits are usually shaved, and she's wearing enough lipstick that she can paint your back if her hands get tired. These places typically are located near truck stops and seem to have an unusually high number of 14 year old Thai girls with degrees from the Heritage Institute. I'm guessing that these places are the reason why my massage therapist had a pre-massage consultation with me last time I went in for a sore shoulder.

"Nothing illegal happens here" she said. "This is not one of those massage places."

And I really tried not to laugh when she said that. I really did. Here I am in a dimly lit room with a woman who has hands like Andre the Giant, forearms like Popeye, a face like John Malkovich, and she's basically telling me that I have no chance of getting it on with her. Epic letdown, right?

I've never been to a bordello before, but I'm guessing that visitors tend to not have a gift certificate from one's wife in-hand. I'm also guessing the only option isn't the "cafeteria lady fantasy." I think you can actually get a degree in Cafeteria Lady fantasy at the Heritage Institute, now that I think of it.

The only other courses the Heritage Institute offers are in K-12 education, working with families, etc. It seems that a teacher is arrested every week for having sex with a student, so is massage therapy really the best departure from teaching right now? Does another school have a monopoly on bikini carwash management?

I never could have guessed that a thirty second break from Family Feud would make me think about so much. Thank you, Heritage Institute.