Massage Therapy

The Heritage Institute is a distance-learning and online school for teachers who would like to continue their education. So naturally, they like to advertise their programs during the day when teachers will almost certainly be home doing nothing. The school has been trying to cannibalize itself lately by advertising exciting new career options for teachers so that they can live their dreams. The latest is a tremendous new program in massage therapy. Because who hasn't dreamed of slaving over a table all day rubbing the thighs of whatever specimen got a gift certificate from their secret Santa?


What you think you'll be massaging...



What you'll really be massaging...


Massage therapy is really just a half-step above being a full-time dough kneader. Sure, the dough kneading doesn't pay nearly as well as massage therapy. The dough kneader also doesn't get the pleasure of knowing that they're increasing the wellness of their dough. However, massage therapists don't get to put their subjects into an oven either. Just saying.

Massage parlors have also gotten a pretty bad reputation over the years. This is probably because of the billboards you may have seen in Pennsylvania. It's usually a picture of an aspiring prostitute who hasn't yet broken above the ranks of massage therapist. She's got her elbows up, her armpits are usually shaved, and she's wearing enough lipstick that she can paint your back if her hands get tired. These places typically are located near truck stops and seem to have an unusually high number of 14 year old Thai girls with degrees from the Heritage Institute. I'm guessing that these places are the reason why my massage therapist had a pre-massage consultation with me last time I went in for a sore shoulder.

"Nothing illegal happens here" she said. "This is not one of those massage places."

And I really tried not to laugh when she said that. I really did. Here I am in a dimly lit room with a woman who has hands like Andre the Giant, forearms like Popeye, a face like John Malkovich, and she's basically telling me that I have no chance of getting it on with her. Epic letdown, right?

I've never been to a bordello before, but I'm guessing that visitors tend to not have a gift certificate from one's wife in-hand. I'm also guessing the only option isn't the "cafeteria lady fantasy." I think you can actually get a degree in Cafeteria Lady fantasy at the Heritage Institute, now that I think of it.

The only other courses the Heritage Institute offers are in K-12 education, working with families, etc. It seems that a teacher is arrested every week for having sex with a student, so is massage therapy really the best departure from teaching right now? Does another school have a monopoly on bikini carwash management?

I never could have guessed that a thirty second break from Family Feud would make me think about so much. Thank you, Heritage Institute.

Fun with credit cards

Next time you're at a Best Buy or a Target, use your credit card and instead of writing your signature, try writing something like "Dragons!!" or actually draw a dragon. I've been doing this for awhile and the reactions are both rewarding and priceless.
Sometimes you even get a nice visual print-out of what you draw. That's the best.

Gold Medal Winner. Kick-Ass Signature Championship - February, 2010

Facebook Status Updates

The following are all status updates of mine over the past year or so.

• My favorite transformer is Bifidus Regularis. He's the shit.

• Parking garage exit gate - 1. Guy in front of me - 0.

• I just realized that I wore my underwear inside-out today. This will save a lot of time tomorrow morning.

• Being in a cult must be awesome. People never want to leave them.

• The best thing about waterless urinals is that if you drop your cell phone in it you can solve the problem with a paper towel instead of an insurance policy.

• This status message is in English and Italian for your convenience. HEY!!!! THIS STATUS MESSAGE IS IN ENGLISH AND ITALIAN FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE!!!!

• Here's my new idea for a maternity store - "Ute Я Us." You're welcome, ladies.

• Sixth-hand smoking is when you smoke a cigarette and Kevin Bacon gets cancer.

• The world can really be cruel. No one who saw Rocky IV in 1985 ever thought that in twenty years Brigitte Nielsen would look more like Dolph Lundgren than Dolph Lundgren ever did.

• So the office now gets the Fredericks of Hollywood catalog, and somehow the sports page beat it to the men's room. Looks like we still have some integrity afterall.

• Extreme Makeover Home Edition is proof that estrogen levels go off the charts whenever steroids are involved in anything, even home-remodeling.

• My 2010 resolution is to make sure my Verizon map isn't in the way when I'm watching the big game with my black family.

• Just explained - by request - the term "teabagging" to my in-laws. And with that we've crossed the "testicles on the forehead" conversational threshold. Happy Friday, everyone.

• Today in 1988 President Reagan signed a bill into law allowing the death penalty for drug traffickers. Apparently we needed a good reason to not put cocaine in our butts.
  

• All I'm saying is that if you don't want me to scratch them, then don't tell me that your boobs are itchy.

• Went to Hair Cuttery for a "trim" and walked out with a rash and a promotion from civilian to First Lieutenant. WTF.

• The Cyrus family scored a direct hit on humanity today with the announcement that Noah Cyrus (that's Miley's nine year old sister) is launching a lingerie line for kids... Yeah, you just read that.

• I have had the misfortune of entering a lot of foul-smelling men's rooms, but that one smelled exactly like a grilled cheese sandwich and that freaks me out.

• I saw a license plate cover that said "Warning : In case of rapture, this vehicle will be unmanned." Isn't that presumptuous? If I knew anything about the bible I would have directed him to Proverbs 27:1 "Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what day may bring," and Carly Simon 19:72 "You're so vain. I b...et you think this song is about you. Don't you. Don't you."

• When I send emails to my branch distribution list seeking someone who can help me with a particular issue, I really only need to hear from the people who can actually help. But I always end up with two messages from people saying the equivalent of "Dear Kevin, I am useless." You know who you are, and you're right.

• If I've learned nothing else from VH1's Tool Academy, I've learned that I need to do everything I can to make sure that my number one bitch feels special.

• I felt like the dude with the long hair in the Black Eyed Peas at work today.... I really didn't do anything. I just kind of hung out around a whole bunch of people doing work and wondered why I was there.

• I find the new Swiffer wet jet commercial disturbing. That mop fell in love with that bowling ball, and anatomically speaking, the two of them could actually have sex. Is this commercial supposed to make me want to clean my floors, or is it trying to make me feel weirded out about putting my fingers in a bowling ball? Explain yourself, Swiffer!

• Andy Rooney turns 91 today and will celebrate by donating his eyebrows to Locks of Love.

• I drove by a business called "Memories Taxidermy" today. As in "hey, remember what this animal was like before we surprised it with sudden death"? I grew up in a very sentimental part of nowhere.

• Washington DC area schools are closed today due to mild weather conditions which have caused the region to be too god damned beautiful for responsibilities.

• Whoever has the rights to the mascara "lengthening and plumping" footage must be a billionaire because they've been using that shit since the beginning of time. Just once I'd like to see a bullet deflect off an eyelash. Do it, Revlon.

• When I was a kid I thought it a possibility that I might one day be driving my family around in a van with wreath attached to the grill during the holidays. Now I know that I was a moron just like the guy I just saw driving his family around in a van with a wreath attached to his grill.

• Why is Tiger Woods apologizing to the whole world? If he cheated on the whole world, I'd understand, but wouldn't that technically make it not cheating? He's blowing my mind right now which means he's cheating on your mind.

• 30 years ago today - led by Kurt Russell in plaid pants - the United States defeated Russia in the Miracle on Ice. I don't care what Bob Costas says. Last night's game was great, but it wasn't the same.

• Can't believe it. A nation's dreams are shattered as the US is all but eliminated from medal contention in curling. One would almost think our kids DON'T grow up aspiring for international stardom in heavy rock sliding.

• JUST finished getting back in shape for fat jeans, and now I find out that skinny jeans are back in style? Son of a bitch.

• You have a 14% chance of being correct if you answer "cardinal" when asked what the official bird of any state is. Everyone wants to be the pretty one. Utah chose the "California Gull" because it totally makes sense to choose a bird with the name of another state in its name. If you're keeping score of why Utah sucks..., then make sure you tally one now.

• Last night I had a dream that my son was born. He looked exactly like Jackie Chan and I wasn't phased at all by this. I've said it before, but I'm serious this time. No more watching Shanghai Noon right before bed.

• My wife: "Do you know what his last words were?" (re: John Wayne Gacy) Me: "Something like 'Kiss my ass,' right?" My wife: "Aww, you really do listen to me. So sweet."

• Ash Wednesday is being so overshadowed by Ass Tuesday.

• My laptop at work just turns off by itself. I'll tell you when it's time to go green, bitch! When I'm in the middle of a spreadsheet it is NOT time to go green. The skynet Terminator apocalypse isn't until 2018. Until then, you work for me!

• WTOP is referring to the storm as a "Big White Mess." So there you have it. The official name for Blizzard 2010 is "Courtney Love."

• I can't believe we could get another 20 inches. Please let us keep our power. I would suck at life in a post-apocalyptic world. "I Am Legend" would be called "I Am Bored", "I Give Up" or "I Am Kevin. Hellooooo! I Said I Am Kevin!!!"

• When my son is born I'm going to carry him out to the waiting room and hold him up in the air whie playing "The Circle of Life." Let me know if you want to be part of that.

• 10,000 outages in PG County and 82,000 outages in Montgomery County. Barack Obama doesn't care about white people.

• We are listening to the storm coverage on a hand-crank radio and the weather report is sponsored by the Bahamas tourism association. Way to rub it in, dicks.

• As a dog owner, I tend to get really nervous when the room smells like a fart and it isn't my fault. This is especially true in carpeted rooms.

• Michael Jackson's kids look just like him. I'd like to take a peek into Maury's envelope on this one, though. You know, just to be sure.

• 100 years ago today, the world lost Thomas Crapper. The word "crap" is not derived from his name, and he did not invent the toilet. He did, however, help popularize it. He held nine patents, the most famous of which was the floating ballcock. And no, not THAT floating ballcock.

• Today is the 75th birthday of the modern phenomenon known as the "tighty whitey." Studies have shown that if you put all of the tighty whities ever worn in history side by side, then they would stretch all the way to Uranus and back.

• When your event is catered by Dinosaur BBQ, the tossed salad may as well be wearing an "Ask Me About My Herpes" t-shirt.

• Dr. Ruth was on the news tonight to let us know that the C&O Canal is the most romantic place in DC. She added that if you take your loved one there and hold hands that there will be stars at night. In light of this very profound guarantee, I will go on the record now promising you that if you do a crossword puzzle, ...then there will be cheeseburgers at McDonalds. You can take that to the bank.

• I'm watching American Idol, and you know how people always sell umbrellas on the street when it's raining? I have this uncontrollable urge to drop what I'm doing and sell toothbrushes in Atlanta. Tooth decay is making these poor people's mouths look like shotgun targets in Bright Yellowland.

• I found out who "Ke$ha" is today, and now I'll never be able to "un-find that out." Seriously, why is my radio covered in poop?

• Today in child birth class our instructor had us suck on lifesaver candies to mimic a dilating cervix. A tiny pineapple cervix....

• Just watched Night at the Museum 2 with Carrie. Wax figures came to life, statues spoke, paintings became time portals, small planes flew into buildings, etc. But when Ben Stiller ran from the Air and Space museum to the Lincoln Memorial in under a minute? Well, that was just too unrealistic for my wife....

• VH1 rules the death of androgenous, emotionally unstable, likely sex-predator, and Rubbermaid product Michael Jackson as he number one shocking moment in music history. John Lennon's murder comes in at number two rendering the entire list itself a giant, steaming number two.

• Pulled in front of my house just as the radio station was teasing an upcoming story about Tyra Banks' future. Then, as if being touched by a miracle, I was able to turn my car off right before that story came on. Chalk this one up to proof that sometimes the universe really is on your side.

• I know that "By the power of Grayskull... I have the power!!!" seems redundant, but be honest. It's not like you're going to tell a guy who rides a giant green tiger and whose name implies double masculinity that he should get a thesaurus.

• Nicole Scherzinger could listen to my dog lick his inner thigh for four minutes and think it sounded "dope."

• Nostradamus was born today in 1503. I bet you didn't see that coming.

• The correct URL is dicksSPORTINGGOODS.com... Lesson learned.

• If you've seen one episode of "Oops! I crapped a baby!" you've seen them all.

• Anyone who washes their hands for more than 90 seconds in the bathroom is admitting recent catastrophic failure. Toilet paper - Just use more of it.

• The tree in my front yard is the ugliest on the block and requires WAY too much maintenance. It is the Khloe Kardashian of trees.

• Pretty often in Beltsville, MD you find yourself waiting in line at the gas station cashier while the guy in front of you pays for blunts with nickels and pennies. But SOMETIMES you just have to wait "one minute" while he runs outside to get his friend because he didn't have quite as many nickels as he originally thought he did. God I love this town.

• My wife says she's going to eat her dinner as an open-faced turkey sandwich. I'm going to hang out and see how she turns this chicken into a turkey.

• You know that sound the characters make when their asses are handed to them in the game Mortal Combat? Is that also what most pregnant women sound like when they have heartburn or is that just MY pregnant woman?

• You know that classic scenario where your loved one has an evil twin that has to be killed, but you can't tell which one is which? That totally just happened to me and resulted in neither cat being kicked in the face. Kind of a let down.

• In my imagination, Norm from the New Yankee Workshop is a huge Lil' Wayne fan.

• Just saw a car pulled over by the "Natural Resources Police". They answer directly to Captain Planet and they will not tolerate your shit.

• Metallica offers $50,000 of their money to anyone with information leading to the finding of a girl who went missing at their concert in Virginia. This just in: Napster is also offering $50,000 of Metallica's money.

• Would like to wish a happy birthday to English rapper and actor Plan B. I'd also like to thank him for being there when we realized that things just weren't going to work out with English rapper Plan A. We appreciate there being a readily-available and obvious alternative.

• I can tell when my computer is going to crash because I can usually smell it. Pro tip - your computer shouldn't have a "crash" smell.

• Just met a woman with freckles on only one side of her face. And no, she does not want to be a guest speaker for my wife's genetics lesson.

• Trying like hell to figure out why there are commercials for cotton. We get it, you're the self-declared fabric of our lives. I don't see polyester or neoprene taking out ad space to convince me that it's the synthetic of my life, so what's the deal cotton?

• Marion Barry has been released from the hospital. Don't worry, Corruption. It looks like you're going to be okay.

• Yesterday I was battling a minor hangover while armed with only three hours of sleep. On the last leg of my drive home it was suggested to me that I yell at a nearby groundhog. So I rolled down my window and yelled "Hey! Groundhog!" That is my new favorite story about being tired and near groundhogs.

• I just met Holly. Holly works as a cashier at the Super Fresh in Silver Spring, and either her vocabulary lesson for the day required her to use the word "sweetie" a thousand times by 2 PM or she has the most endearing case of tourettes I have ever seen in my life.

• Fact - The Mayan calendar is only ending in 2012 because they ran out of swimsuit models.

• 22 years ago today Fiji became a republic. It then took them nine years to discover that their water is both expensive and best-suited for square bottles.

• Watching Californication. Is that Kathleen Turner or is William Shatner the best actor ever?

• My wife is watching a television show about rock groupies. I would have titled this show "Infected and Unemployable."

• Today in history in 1889 the length of a meter was defined as the distance between two lines on a standard bar of an alloy of platinum with ten percent iridium, measured at the melting point of ice.... Obviously.

• Tip # 745 : Are you battling bulimia? Don't watch yesterday's Oprah. You will throw up everywhere. Actually, never watch Oprah. You're welcome.

• My wife has restless leg syndrome so I have restless kicked-in-the-friggin-shins syndrome.

• Man v. Food on the travel channel is pretty much the same show as Shaq vs. The only difference is that Shaq's role is played by a Fred Savage lookalike with more personality and Ben Roethlisberger is played by a giant burrito with more personality.

• Nothing makes my remote control hand get to work like the words "previously on More to Love."

• Just saw a commercial for NuvaRing detailing what it is, how to use it, and when... It's like an indoor version of Hoop and Stick. This is why I usually turn my brain off when a commercial targeting women comes on.

• Dear lady at the Albany airport with full-sleeve tattoos. I could be wrong, but I don't think "tiger" is your color. Love, Kevin

• I overheard a ridiclous racist statement today : "native americans are naturally drawn to the color red." That's like saying that white people are naturally drawn to organic produce.

• Lady Gaga is to music what urine is to drinking water. A little bit spoils an awful lot.

• Oprah has never asked what a ZJ is because Oprah can afford a ZJ. In fact, Oprah prefers free-range organic ZJ's. They are the same as regular ZJ's but cost 40% more.

• I just read that today is officially "Victory Day" in North Korea. This surprised me because until now I had thought that every day was Victory Day in North Korea. Seriously, when is there NOT a parade going on in North Korea?

• My wife is watching a tv show about the world's smallest mom. The mom is under three feet tall, her fiance is over six feet tall. My wife is asking questions like "how did they" and using words like "logistically." I'm going to go somewhere else now.

• Wilford Brimley is proof that you can live forever with "dia-beetuss." You may live with very low energy. You may only be seen at kitchen tables or on horses, but you WILL live forever.

• I just googled his lucky numbers just for the hell of it. I discovered that I would have won a lot of money in the New Zealand lottery last month, but it didn't work out because I'm typically nowhere near New Zealand.

• I just added up all of the components on an RFP that I'm working on and the total price came to $666,666. I'm going to raise the price because Jesus told me to.

• From what I've witnessed, I'd say my office building is beating birds with a running score of 6-0.

Matthew Good - Vancouver





This album has been available for a few months now, but it's definitely worth picking up if you haven't already.