First I'd like to say "no, this is not the home of Juan Rodriguez, but thanks for asking." Next, I'd like to say that I fully and completely respect the police and the work that they do. However, I will not be buying a sticker from you for the low price of $15 today.
I'm not sure if you remember, but I bought one of these stickers from you last year. Doesn't that make us brothers? If my name was Juan Rodriguez then would I be your hermano?
Perhaps you should check on the logistics of the Julian calendar before you tell me that you only call me "once a year, sir. We only call you ONCE A YEAR!" The last time I checked, there were more than seven days in a year, but you might be right. I very well may be 1,550 years old. You are the police, after all. I've been taught to not argue with you.
Of course, I might get my ass kicked if I handed this guy my ID after being caught in a rolling stop next week and told him I was older than Charlemagne.
And I'm guessing this little guy isn't going to change that.
In fact, I'm guessing that the sticker residue will only further depreciate the value of my car. Don't get me wrong. Chevrolet and Consumer Reports are doing a pretty good job making sure that my car is worth less than that sticker by next year, but I don't think you'll help.
If you REALLY want money from me (or do you want money from Juan Rodriguez? Will you please make up your mind?), then you should probably talk to THIS GUY.
There's one on Calverton Blvd with some sweet pictures of me. There's one in DC. There's one on Connecticut Avenue, and there are even a few scattered throughout Rockville who all remember me well. How do you make my license plate look so shiny??? I scrub and scrub.... Are you going to use my $15 to do more license plate magic? If so, then maybe I could be convinced.
I'm actually offended that these pictures were just mailed to me with a letter that said "send money, citizen." At the very least I expected to be tagged "brother" on your facebook page. This "citizen" wasn't expected to send $15 either. He was expected to send upwards of $200. Didn't Camera-Cop recognize me? It's me, man! Kevin Pierce! No, not THAT Kevin Pierce. The one that DOESN'T live with Juan Rodriguez. And $200 is like 13 windshield stickers AND five bucks in change. From just one picture! It was a nice picture, don't get me wrong. It was way better than anything Sears has done for my family for sure, but not two hundred dollars. That's rape. It makes me want to call the cops... oh... shit.
Please stop calling me. You clearly don't have to work so hard to find me anymore because I do such a great job finding you first. I've become the new main character in your book titled "Where's Waldo, the speeding motherfucker.. Make him pay." That's more than enough fun for both of us. We don't need to actually talk.
Take the money you use to make these stickers and the money that you pay to your rude-ass call center reps, and send it to the families of your fallen and injured police officers. I'll do my best to go 36 mph on your four-lane 30 mph highway to help subsidize.
And from now on, can you please try to get my good side in these pictures? You always get the door with the dent and the side of the bumper that totally looks bloated. I'm tempted to start making "Does this Speed Camera picture make my car look fat?" bumper stickers. Hey, do you want to buy one? They're fifteen dollars!
You don't have to decide now. I'll call you in a year, okay?
Love always,
Kevin Pierce
